As I write this I have been crying. Sometimes life gets hard and hard for no reason. I hate to say this summer I have not worked out once! One because it is so damn hot here in Texas that I don’t want to don workout clothing and tennis shoes when all i want to wear is shorts, a tank top and flip flops. Along with the heat came some unexpected problems. It’s been slow going at both of our jobs so money’s been really tight which causes stress and lots of it. Our ongoing stress makes us very unwilling to do things we know we should like eat healthy. Though I haven’t gained any I am not losing and have noticed a lack in muscle tone in both of us. Though not something anyone likes to admit we have problems I suffer from depression and my wonderful husband has been overwhelmed with anxiety among other things. We have been doing research on what causes these things in us and I have come up with a routine I hope will help us in the long run. We have suspected for sometime now that my husband has a gluten intolerance but as some know gluten free foods can be rather pricey and when you are living on not enough money that’s hard to do. We have fallen into a perpetual lazy cycle buying processed food instead of cooking healthy meals. We did last week make most of our meals but it was so expensive we quickly reverted our ways. Today was the last straw! I am tired of being tired and feeling bad about myself and depressed and I am tired of seeing my awesome husband have so many undue issues. Through my research I have come across a few things that make sense to me and being against big pharm I want to try and help ourselves naturally.
The first thing I learned was since most of us don’t get the nutrients we need the lack can exacerbate symptoms of fatigue and other ailments. So I have been scouring the web for a vegan multivitamin and zinc and b12 supplements. I also learned that EMR which is electromagnetic radiation which is put off by electronic devices can be harmful in concentration among other things. This means limited TV, internet, ipad and cellphone time only music is allowed. I had been hinting to him for a while we should try meditation because of the wonderful benefits and after reading another article about it decided it shall be included in our daily routine. Last thing i will mention is the gluten free I feel it will be beneficial he has done well on one before so we are giving it another go.
Our Daily Routine Mock UP
*Wake up time around 9am
*Then before anything else we workout for more than 30 minutes
*Then we have free time to do whatever till lunch
*at least 30 minutes of meditation
*No EMR till 6p (so a good 5 hours with nothing turned on)
(We will be following a Vegan and Gluten Free diet and Organic when possible)
I will be monitoring our progress and we are trying this for one month or at least documenting the change that can happen in one month but I am also going to have him and myself keep a daily journal that we will write at the end of every night so as to rightfully document the changes made. I really hope this helps improve ourselves, our lives and everything in general. I hope through this we come to a better understanding of what we need to make an importance in our lives and what we do not. I know it’s a stretch but I hope this works for the sake of me and my husband. We are planning on starting on the first sort of a clean slate plus we already have groceries bought till then.
One of the big things I have been dealing with is my infertility (well it’s not official but if you have unprotected sex for years and don’t yield a baby there’s gotta be some factor i’m missing) I have watched 20 count it 20 people this year alone get pregnant. While I am absolutely tickled pink for them I can’t help but be saddened and it doesn’t help that a majority of the people that are pregnant are younger than I am. It makes me feel like an old spinster with cobwebs in her cooch. It is especially hard when I get the semi constant questions “when are you going to have kids?”, “wow you’re how old and you don’t have a child yet?”, “But you have been married for almost 3 years how can you not want a child” or my favorite one “don’t you know if you wait any longer you will be old parents who can’t do anything with their kids.” OK! Now I don’t like having to answer these questions because A) It’s none of your damn business and B) We know what’s right for us. With the questions above my most typical answers are “someday”, “Not everyones a baby making factory”, “I do want a child more than most people who have children want a child but until I feel like I can truly take care of myself and know what I am doing is right and have ideals that are unwavering and can be a beacon of truth, honesty and an good example for my children then I am waiting” or “We want to enjoy our time together and it’s harder for us to get pregnant” and last one “So apparently being closer to 30 makes you old yes I will prob be head of the pta because I am so much older than all of the other moms *rolls eyes* but age does not determine the amount of love and things you can do with your child”. I am tired for having to answer to people about the decisions I make! On a lighter note I tend to forget my woes about children because I already have 6 pretty bomb ass fur babies!
So i’ve been a little down on myself lately haven’t really been treating my body like I should because things have been super hectic. I know to some this sounds like an outright excuse but since my cat died i’ve had a hard time finding motivation. I did recently acquire a job and after a week in a half I quit. I have been so depressed i lost sight of what was really important my husband and my health. I realized i was treating him awful here I was he let me start my own business which had pretty expensive start up, quit my job in August 2012 to pursue it and work to support us and our furbabies. I have been neglecting him and i feel awful for it I haven’t been treating him with the love and respect he deserves. I even got so selfish and self involved that last week i thought the best option was at the end of a gun barrel. I know now that’s not the case but it’s hard to not get caught up in the crap and caught in your head. I know part of my depression and treating him badly stems from a lot of things that i wont get into but I know now what i need to do. I let myself get sucked into the negative and im not going to do that anymore. I have taken a vow to treat him better just today I catered to him like he does to me. I have also let my diet get out of my control though I haven’t gained weight i feel like crap all the time. I am working on my diet but money’s been “tight” as in we spend it on other things instead of food which I know is bad and i’m making a conscious effort to change this. A big thing in my life that’s made it hard to get out of bed is my house though it’s small I still can’t wrap myy head around the clutter i need organization!!! I have all the ideas in my head just need to utilize it and apply it but it’s hard when you don’t wanna get out of bed. I also have been having a hard time with religion it just seems things are too hard right now. Life has gotten in the way and i’m trying to not let it get in the way anymore.
So as some of you know my husband and I decided to take a trip to Colorado! Well I must say it was so much fun! We had my birthday celebration with the in laws then we headed on our way to stay in clayton new mexico for the night. We ended up staying the night in our car because we really didn’t want to pay $70 to stay in a room for 5 hours. We woke up to snow and ice on the ground, which was beautiful but also kinda sucked. I personally think the city of new mexico freaked out because they closed the main roads!!
heres us on the road the next morning !
my silly husband all bundled up!!
So since we couldn’t take the main road I mapped a course that took us probably 1-2 hours more but it was beautiful!
The view from outside my husbands window while I was driving look at the snow! We enjoyed that road and saw a sign for Folsom which of course made us sing the song!
They have open cattle roaming there so this was our view someone didn’t want to get out of the road so i got out of the car and took pictures they were so pretty!
pretty animals all over in colorado I love this bird in the snow!
Ok so at this point we left Wednesday evening slept in clayton and on Thursday afternoon we made it to Colorado we stopped in Trinidad to call our families from a payphone, because we hadn’t had service for 10+ hours! We go along what I call treacherous roads mainly because they were slightly icy and it was snowing and we were driving on the sides of mountains with no guard rails. I’m a slightly nervous driver and when the speed limit is 35 and you’re going 55 you can’t get mad at me for going 25 haha. We finally arrived in Cripple Creek Colorado my nerves were shot at this point. We opted to not camp out that night because of the snow and the fact we were going to gamble till the wee hours of the morning and didn’t want to have to set up a tent in the dark. We rented a room at J.P. Mcgills the room was nice for what it was and they gave us coupons for free meals. When we got settled we did what any normal person would do and we checked our bank account only to find a strange $35 charge. Kenny calls the company, remember the phone call we made in Trinidad well the machine didn’t accept coins and we had to pay using our credit card, and gripes them out because it’s a $12 connection fee and like $7 a minute? Crazy shit. So after we dealt with that we went to go play. We started out with $100 a piece I played for a while but these slots are nothing like the indian owned casinos so I wasn’t quite sure if my strategies would work. Kenny on the other hand played the tables. We left that group of casinos and went across the street where I played on $20 for at least and hour or two. I finally lost it all and went to go find kenny of course expecting the worst. I sit at his table and he pulls chips out of his pocket he had won $500!!! His streak of luck made it to where our whole trip at that point hadn’t cost us a dime! The next morning we awoke and got ready to got to Denver but before we left we played one more slot and won $100 more! The trip on the scary roads the next day actually weren’t bad at all.
We finally get to Denver and our first order of business is finding food since this whole trip the only vegan friendly options we had were french fries and bread we bought at the supermarket. We had researched this Vegan food truck called the vegan van and were excited to taste their food! Kenny pulls up our navigation and we find a place to park but don’t see the van so we take of walking. After 4 blocks we start to get this feeling we are way off and 14 blocks later we were right! We did find the van it was parked in front of a place called Nooch which is an ALL VEGAN MARKET!!! It was also by the Hoodlab which sells organic cotton clothing! Kenny had a Tofuffalo and coleslaw sandwich which was yum and I had a “meatball” sub which was super yum! We then went and explored the festival hoodlab was having. After we finished there we checked into our hotel which was really nice and went for a dip in the hot tub and to sit in the sauna. The festival at hoodlab was so much fun there was a vendor there who I fell in love with they sell vegan hemp ice cream sandwiches!!! We immediately passed out when we got back to the room. The next morning we packed our stuff and headed to a huge convention they had at the EXDO event center. It was so much fun lots of walking and I may have gotten a sunburn but it was awesome! We went to eat that night at Eden which I think is a lesbian bar mainly because of the abundance of lesbians and the fact they had one of those neon rainbow pride signs haha. They serve a menu that has Vegetarian, Vegan and even Paleo options it was pretty good but i’m almost positive our waitress was new…..or stoned :). We were so tired we opted yet again for a hotel this time we made it a cheapie in Aurora. The next morning we decided to drive to Colorado Springs we went and ate at Chipolte and I fell in love with a little family there I just wanted to hug them they had a boy a girl and and adopted little boy. I noticed the dad telling the youngest he couldn’t get the pinto beans because they had pork in them, so I kinda examined what they were eating and they were all eating vegan ! It was the cutest thing i’ve ever seem a cute little vegan family it made me so hopeful about the future for us in colorado! We then went and visited the Garden of the Gods.
here I am trying to get back to kenny before the timer quits I almost made it the second time.
Some nice man saw my struggles and took the photo for us!
The next pictures were taken at the garden of the gods
Kenny being silly climbing rocks
even though it said not to we still decided to roam off the beaten path to sit and enjoy time and nature
One of the cool things at GOTG the camels kiss!
Haha there were a lot of trees and kenny said it looked like the forest from Harry Potter so he’d wanted to pretend like he was going into the forbidden forest!
Me taking some selfies while ken fills the car with gas!
Pikes peak or bust
We finally arrive at our campsite which was at the Cheyenne mountain state park! Getting ready to eat some grub !
Look at that fire
Kenny getting ready to cook
This is probably my favorite picture of myself ever I love the simplicity i love my poncho I love life in this picture
Camping is fun
We sat by the fire all night talking about the future and our lives together before finally hitting the hay we awoke the next morning to wildlife by our site!
We were going to stay monday but I missed my furbabies so we cut our trip short and headed back home! Kenny took pictures out the window while I drove and had to get our final shot leaving clayton new mexico of the dragon.
We’ve been home over a week now and gosh do we miss it. With all the upheaval in our lives lately we are ready to move so weve taken baby steps towards a simplistic and sustainable life. He even told me today I could start looking at land in CO! One of these days we will live there but for now I can only dream!
Well I’ve been MIA for a while but it’s with good reason. I am still on my weight loss journey, I just haven’t been hitting it as hard as I know I should have. With that being said I got a cold brush with reality yesterday. You know when life is going great and everything is just perfect? Well I had that feeling and then all of a sudden BAM!!!! I feel like I’ve been hit by a train! A few days ago I noticed my little kitty Hendrix was breathing funny so I called up a good friend and she helped me take care of him and he seemed to be doing better. I checked his gums around day 4 which would have been yesterday and they were white which meant there was something really wrong so I did what any person would do and took him to the vet. This is where my day headed south I knew exactly what she was going to tell me when I got there that he had a plueral effusion I just didn’t know what was causing it. I opted for a Feline Leukemia test which came back positive :*(. Now a little back story on Hendrix he was born from a feral mother who may have passed the disease to him. I still remember the day my husband brought him home he was too little to be away from his momma but he was healthy and every night he slept on my chest. He was my baby I could hold him like one, he came when I called him and he even gave kisses. He was the best kid/cat a person could ever have and it’s so unfair that his loving life was cut so short. I am very thankful for wonderful friends who help me even though some don’t understand my attachment to an animal. I miss him very very much I even accidentally called his name earlier looking for him and looked up to realize he wasn’t there and burst into tears. I feel like me life lost a little piece joy when he died. It hurts me even more to watch his big brother/ partner in crime so sad he just walks around looking in, under and around things meowing and sitting in his old spots. It is breaking my heart to watch. One major issue though is our big cat gabriel could contract the disease also so we have to get him tested. I am afraid though he is giving it to our cats because his sister had it and died, a cat we got 2 years ago from the humane society contracted it and died (but he died from liver failure) and now kitty I hope he’s not a carrier or the problem and that he’s healthy I can’t take much more heart ache. I’m not sure at this moment in time I could ever own another cat no one will ever compare to my baby he was loved he’s still loved and missed very much.
Here’s a picture of my sweet boy RIP HENDRIX you will be missed!
Now onto weightloss ooooooohhhhhhh! I have a 5k coming up on June 8th and I haven’t ran since THOR AAAHHH!!! So if it’s not raining tomorrow and I can get the strength to get out of bed I will go running. I have to say it’s really hard to want to workout or eat well when you are depressed but sometimes you just have to make the best of things. I have put my photography business on hold sort of it seems now I have more business how crazy. I’m also in the process of getting all my things in order to launch my website where you can buy all kinds of handmade/handcrafted wonderfulness including things for everyone like clothing, home decor, toiletries, vegan products and possibly even some yummy vegan gluten free items so be on the lookout for my launch pos hopefully before the summer is over 🙂 (which is never in texas). On that note I am off to spend the rest of the day finishing picture editing and mother’s day crochet projects!
Or at least that’s how I feel sometimes. I can’t help but put it all out on the line. It’s baby season here in North Texas. A total of 10 of my friends not including the other 11 acquantinces are pregnant. Don’t get me wrong I am absolutely overjoyed for every single last one of them, but I can’t help but wonder why them and not me?? Here I am changing my life for the better I did it all “the correct way”, I’ve studied and read articles and forums and discussed parenting with others for about 5 years now and have tried to develop a method and philosophy of parenting that I feel will best suit my needs. I even have a birth plan already written up just waiting for my moment to come along yet nothing, nada, not even a blip on my radar. I know I shouldn’t worry about these things but I do they are a very real part of my life as is the agony of trying and trying and always being dissappointed. Obviously it’s not our time or we would have a kid right now and I know we have so much to accomplish before bringing a child into this world and I am glad I got to know and grow with my husband to the point where we are a unified front and will be able to tackle anything placed before us but, I can’t help but feel empty. I feel like a shell of a human right now today my husband announced yet another person who is expecting and I regressed to a sniffling mess of a ball curled up on my bed with my kitty snuggled in a hug you only should only give on a stuffed animal (it’s ok i didn’t elvira him to where his eyes popped out). I don’t know why I react this way I should just be happy that these people get to experience one of the greatest joys and honors of this world but I can’t help but be envious. Especially when days, weeks and months before at least half of these people didn’t want kids ever or said they wouldn’t carry to term and now they are all over the place like my baby and my life is changed. Most people don’t treat their kids with the respect and love they deserve and thats what makes me the most sad. Unfortunately even the loving looks and all the kisses in the world from my wonderful furbabies can’t help quench the pain I feel deep down it can just mask it for a few short moments. Sometimes I feel so alone in my plight even a message board support group I joined a year ago hasn’t helped there were 50 of us in there and I am the only one now who hasn’t gotten pregnant. Needless to say I quit that group because they all talk about their kids now and it’s too much for me to handle sometimes. I’m sure people think i am weird when I see a kid out at a store and I smile and stare longingly thinking how lucky they are that they get to have that joy in their life though most just treat it like a burden. I just wish I could have a sign that all my waiting and working and hoping isn’t just wasted. That one day me and my husband will too have that opportunity to shape young minds and grow into lovely little family though I wish it would come sooner than later, I know that when it happens it will be right and it will be amazing. I am apparently having a hard time having patience :). Sorry for my little vent session it’s hard for me and I feel I have to get it out or it will eat me alive.
As I am writing this and sitting up in bed my wonderful schnauzer mama tumbles stole my pillows 🙂 and then came over put her hand on mine and licked my cheek. I guess she’s trying to let me know I still have happiness in my life I just have to open my eyes and see it. Gosh I love my animals you can learn so much from them.
So I have recently come to the conclusion even though I love photography, I hate running a business and constantly having to hold events and fight for new customers. I don’t want to have to fight for business because all that does is force me to sell myself short and that’s a waste of my valuable time. My husband wants me to join him in the workforce at genghis grill which i’d actually be ok with because it’s not totally against my views. I am still thinking about applying and just putting my “business” on hiatus. In the midst of all this internal turmoil I have not worked out this whole week!!! I feel terrible I may just go for a jog here in a few minutes just to say I did something this week. I also haven’t eaten the best and not the worst either, well that depends on if you think a diet of genghis grill and french fries is bad (I do fill my bowl with only broccoli, bamboo shoots, bean sprouts, green onions, mushrooms and lots of garlic and brown and white rice so it’s not like it’s the worst meal in the world). We have been anticipating our trip and have been so anxious and kinda hurting for money that our dietary needs have fallen to the way side. I notice a lot of people this happens to but we will be back to normal soon, hopefully. Back to my business I have not found what I was looking for I have stuck with it but with multiple cancellations here lately i’m asking myself is it worth my time? Over the past week or so I have been crocheting more, I love it it’s soothing and therapeutic to me and i could sit and do it all day long (and I do!). This week alone I finished my spring fling pillow for a crochet challenge and I finished a diaper cover, some suspenders, a bowtie and a newsboy hat (that was all in one day) for my nephew who will grace us with his presence in JULY!!! I am so excited!!! I also made another diaper cover yesterday. My husband started asking me how I felt about crocheting and if I had any ideas for things and how long it took me etc etc and here was my answer : “I love to crochet if I could sit on my ass everyday either outside with my babies or inside watching my little pony I would sit there and crochet till either my hands fell off or I ran out of yarn.” to which he asked how much does it cost to make that suit and how much could you sell it for. “Well the newborn suit cost $2 and about 5 hours to make and i’ve seen them selling anywhere from $20-$50”. “I would though like to do all of my creations in organic cotton “. Next thing I know he’s looking up bulk yarn. I love this man he’s is all I could have dreamed and wished for and so much more, he lives his life to make me happy and make our house a home :). He’s the greatest this on 2 legs, and cooler than sliced bread! I guess you get the point he’s pretty awesome.
So here is my dilemma I was told I could choose between these things:
1. be a stay at home wife (which means cooking and cleaning)
2. be a stay at home photographer wife ( which requires no.1 and running a lucrative business)
3. Have my own crochet store
4. Work at a “conventional” job
So in the essence of I want to get the hell outta this state I am leaning more towards no.4 and no.3 with a little 2 and 1 on the side. I am just afraid if i do take on so much my weight loss will not be a priority. That above all other things scares me but on the other hand I will have something to occupy some time plus making more money and having the option to move sooner than later plus way more money to spend on yarn!!!! Oh my life is so simple haha. I am at a loss but I know today is a new day and I just have to put all my worries and cares out of my mind because we leave for COLORADO in 3 days!!!!!! If anyone has any advice on how to cope with stressors while trying to lose weight they would be muchly appreciated!
I like to be open about the ups and downs of this journey and it goes hand in hand with my emotions and fears. I figured out I hate doing photography :(. Ok I don’t hate it i’m just being melodramatic but still I started my business for people to have a person who understood there’s more to life than money. Well there in lies my dilemma everyone and I mean everyone with a camera nowadays is a photographer and I know some are going to say that’s where you started and let me clarify no it’s not I’ve been doing photography since 2004 when I just used b&w film. I have done extensive research and know my camera forwards and backwards and know my cs5 and other programs I use. I’m not talking about the ones like me who try hard to deliver professional results i am talking about those who post a picture straight out of their camera and people tell them you are so amazing and next thing you know they are broadcasting un edited poorly lit photographs on a “business page” on facebook and though I do acquire a great deal of my business on Facebook I am starting to notice since Christmas there have been 50 photography business pages alone in my area that have popped up causing my business to suffer. I probably don’t do enough to get my name out there and because my prices are cheaper I get taken advantage of many times. I have long thought of just throwing in the towel and saying eff this and just sit on my lazy ass at home. I do have a few shoots coming up in april one on the 13th which is fun it’s a baby shower I have shoots a few days after I get back from my trip a Boudoir day and a few shoots in May, June, July and a wedding in October (which i am super excited about). I should just start doing specialty shoots but everyone in this town shoots everything bleh. Well anyway I am struggling with this I have these lined up and am not sure I will line anything else up I don’t feel it brings me joy anymore :(.
What I would really like to do is dive right into my activism and promoting Veganism. Still new to all of it but very much interested. I am not sure trying to “convert” my family is working but I know a few people who do take my advice to heart and have even told me they opted for a salad rather than a burger :). I am so torn I have so many “hobbies” and no real job or purpose. I wish we had enough money to move right now and I think life would get a little better but alas that day is just a glimmer of hope in my eye. I feel beaten down this week though I know I accomplished something big for me on Saturday I still can’t help but feel my life is stale. If it wasn’t so cold i’d go for a jog but I have no cold weather clothing. I told my husband last night I’m ready to get off this rock and explore somewhere new where the common morals and decency don’t matter, where I can run free and wild, I can plant and thrive in my garden, I can lay out in the sun and soak up the worlds awesomeness. I don’t even care if we live in a “real” house i’d rather build it out of clay with no electricity except for the ones generated by wind or solar power. I want to be surrounded by animals that need and deserve love and a better hand than life has dealt them, I want to wake up everyday and know I am making a difference in someone else’s life. I want to have a ton of kids they don’t even have to be mine I will adopt them and love them as my own. I want to teach them about good values and how to be kind and respect the earth and all it’s inhabitants. I want mini activists to stand up to their peers, family members and nay sayers when they try at the age of 8 to feed my child mcdonalds and they will be able to tell them no that they’d rather life a happy healthy life instead of killing myself with the food I eat. I want to just embrace all being VEGAN has to offer and just run away with it and if I have to fly away to another country with it. I want adventure and fun and never ending laughter. I just want to live not work to live but actually enjoy life.
Now that doesn’t sound like too much to ask right? Well I see my dreams fading in the distance and am not sure i’ll ever reach my goals but hey a girl can dream right?