I have these bouts of depression and what seems like loneliness, but I know it’s really just me excluding myself. Why even with some new found confidence do I still shy away from public events? I have finally got over my fear of working out in front of people because (excuse my language) but eff you if you are going to judge me for making my life better. I still find myself a little uncomfortable around people who are skinny or what I perceive to be slim. If there’s more than two slender people and i’m the third I feel like i’m just some big old fatty sitting in the corner who never has as much fun as everyone else. I know that’s not the case but I always feel as if my weight makes others around me as uncomfortable as I am. One of these days I won’t feel like this and this will all be but a bad dream, but till then it’s a very real panicky nightmare. I have struggled socially my whole life (though most wouldn’t know it) i’ve never felt like i’ve belonged anywhere which i’m sure quite a few others struggle with this as well. Last time I went to a psychologist because of my depression and avoidance issues, which was 2 years ago, I told her why I do it. I told her I am depressed because I feel my weight holds me back from reaching my true potential. I avoid everything even leaving my house most days because I don’t want to be uncomfortable. I refuse to do things with my husband for fear of people staring and wondering why is he with her? It takes me giving myself a pep talk every morning just to get out of bed most days. She then proceeds to ask me how I feel I need to remedy this, and I didn’t have to be specific but I was. I told her the following : ” I know what i’m eating is wrong, I know how I act is wrong, I know that if i got off my fat lazy butt I could make a change in my life, I know my weight stems from emotional issues mainly with how I was treated while in school and some minor family issues, I know i’m an emotional closet eater who will go out to eat then gorge myself while crying later which is destructive behavior, I know i’m hobbling down a very dangerous road and don’t believe I have more than 5 years left with the rate that i am going and I know exactly how to fix all of these things but for some reason it never works quite as planned”. Well she was shocked because most people tell her I don’t know the problem was I knew and still chose to be dumb. I have since changed all of that I do believe when you live a reassuring and fulfilling life eating what you are meant to and not what society wants you to eat things will fall into place. January this year I decided to go not only vegetarian (for the 3rd time) but full on Vegan! I will never look back it all started because I was done feeling like crap because of the food I ate tired of not having energy and it’s slowly progressed into the Vegan blaring, factory farm bubble busting person I am. Though I still can’t shake this feeling of failure though i’ve come so far already. I can’t help but still feel that lingering uneasy feeling when one of my “thin” friends invites me to do something. I wish and pray with everythign that I didn’t dwell on this and that I could just get over it and go have fun but I simply can’t. Maybe one of these days I will have a social life I know I can’t wait till my goal weight to do that and I am trying to step out of my comfort zone, mainly with my husband. This is a hard psychological thing I have to get past and hopefully by the time summer rolls around and it’s time for swimming and sunbathing I will have higher self worth and will take the plunge and actually hang out with my friends. Until then I guess it’s back to the workouts and hiding in my house. Sorry if this is a tad depressing but this journey is just as much emotional as it is physical and mental and if you don’t get how you feel out in the open it will eat at you like a black plague, and lets face it nobody likes plagues :).

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