I like to be open about the ups and downs of this journey and it goes hand in hand with my emotions and fears. I figured out I hate doing photography :(. Ok I don’t hate it i’m just being melodramatic but still I started my business for people to have a person who understood there’s more to life than money. Well there in lies my dilemma everyone and I mean everyone with a camera nowadays is a photographer and I know some are going to say that’s where you started and let me clarify no it’s not I’ve been doing photography since 2004 when I just used b&w film.  I have done extensive research and know my camera forwards and backwards and know my cs5 and other programs I use. I’m not talking about the ones like me who try hard to deliver professional results i am talking about those who post a picture straight out of their camera and people tell them you are so amazing and next thing you know they are broadcasting un edited poorly lit photographs on a “business page” on facebook and though I do acquire a great deal of my business on Facebook I am starting to notice since Christmas there have been 50 photography business pages alone in my area that have popped up causing my business to suffer. I probably don’t do enough to get my name out there and because my prices are cheaper I get taken advantage of many times. I have long thought of just throwing in the towel and saying eff this and just sit on my lazy ass at home. I do have a few shoots coming up in april one on the 13th which is fun it’s a baby shower I have shoots a few days after I get back from my trip a Boudoir day and a few shoots in May, June, July and a wedding in October (which i am super excited about). I should just start doing specialty shoots but everyone in this town shoots everything bleh. Well anyway I am struggling with this I have these lined up and am not sure I will line anything else up I don’t feel it brings me joy anymore :(.

What I would really like to do is dive right into my activism and promoting Veganism. Still new to all of it but very much interested. I am not sure trying to “convert” my family is working but I know a few people who do take my advice to heart and have even told me they opted for a salad rather than a burger :). I am so torn I have so many “hobbies” and no real job or purpose. I wish we had enough money to move right now and I think life would get a little better but alas that day is just a glimmer of hope in my eye. I feel beaten down this week though I know I accomplished something big for me on Saturday I still can’t help but feel my life is stale. If it wasn’t so cold i’d go for a jog but I have no cold weather clothing. I told my husband last night I’m ready to get off this rock and explore somewhere new where the common morals and decency don’t matter, where I can run free and wild, I can plant and thrive in my garden, I can lay out in the sun and soak up the worlds awesomeness. I don’t even care if we live in a “real” house i’d rather build it out of clay with no electricity except for the ones generated by wind or solar power. I want to be surrounded by animals that need and deserve love and a better hand than life has dealt them, I want to wake up everyday and know I am making a difference in someone else’s life. I want to have a ton of kids they don’t even have to be mine I will adopt them and love them as my own. I want to teach them about good values and how to be kind and respect the earth and all it’s inhabitants. I want mini activists to stand up to their peers, family members and nay sayers when they try at the age of 8 to feed my child mcdonalds and they will be able to tell them no that they’d rather life a happy healthy life instead of killing myself with the food I eat. I want to just embrace all being VEGAN has to offer and just run away with it and if I have to fly away to another country with it. I want adventure and fun and never ending laughter. I just want to live  not work to live but actually enjoy life.

Now that doesn’t sound like too much to ask right? Well I see my dreams fading in the distance and am not sure i’ll ever reach my goals but hey a girl can dream right?

Advertisements