Or at least that’s how I feel sometimes. I can’t help but put it all out on the line. It’s baby season here in North Texas. A total of 10 of my friends not including the other 11 acquantinces are pregnant. Don’t get me wrong I am absolutely overjoyed for every single last one of them, but I can’t help but wonder why them and not me?? Here I am changing my life for the better I did it all “the correct way”, I’ve studied and read articles and forums and discussed parenting with others for about 5 years now and have tried to develop a method and philosophy of parenting that I feel will best suit my needs. I even have a birth plan already written up just waiting for my moment to come along yet nothing, nada, not even a blip on my radar. I know I shouldn’t worry about these things but I do they are a very real part of my life as is the agony of trying and trying and always being dissappointed. Obviously it’s not our time or we would have a kid right now and I know we have so much to accomplish before bringing a child into this world and I am glad I got to know and grow with my husband to the point where we are a unified front and will be able to tackle anything placed before us but, I can’t help but feel empty. I feel like a shell of a human right now today my husband announced yet another person who is expecting and I regressed to a sniffling mess of a ball curled up on my bed with my kitty snuggled in a hug you only should only give on a stuffed animal (it’s ok i didn’t elvira him to where his eyes popped out). I don’t know why I react this way I should just be happy that these people get to experience one of the greatest joys and honors of this world but I can’t help but be envious. Especially when days, weeks and months before at least half of these people didn’t want kids ever or said they wouldn’t carry to term and now they are all over the place like my baby and my life is changed. Most people don’t treat their kids with the respect and love they deserve and thats what makes me the most sad. Unfortunately even the loving looks and all the kisses in the world from my wonderful furbabies can’t help quench the pain I feel deep down it can just mask it for a few short moments. Sometimes I feel so alone in my plight even a message board support group I joined a year ago hasn’t helped there were 50 of us in there and I am the only one now who hasn’t gotten pregnant. Needless to say I quit that group because they all talk about their kids now and it’s too much for me to handle sometimes. I’m sure people think i am weird when I see a kid out at a store and I smile and stare longingly thinking how lucky they are that they get to have that joy in their life though most just treat it like a burden. I just wish I could have a sign that all my waiting and working and hoping isn’t just wasted. That one day me and my husband will too have that opportunity to shape young minds and grow into lovely little family though I wish it would come sooner than later, I know that when it happens it will be right and it will be amazing. I am apparently having a hard time having patience :). Sorry for my little vent session it’s hard for me and I feel I have to get it out or it will eat me alive.
As I am writing this and sitting up in bed my wonderful schnauzer mama tumbles stole my pillows 🙂 and then came over put her hand on mine and licked my cheek. I guess she’s trying to let me know I still have happiness in my life I just have to open my eyes and see it. Gosh I love my animals you can learn so much from them.